Parenting With Spirit

There is much truth in the old adage that most learning is caught, not taught. How do you live and demonstrate spirituality? If you believe the world is a joyless, fearful place in which we need to take, take, take, rather than give, your children are likely to grow up sharing this view. If we can live in accordance to our spiritual beliefs and be a good role model for our children, the benefits they reap will be enormous. If we treasure our connection to God, our children will learn to treasure their connection too.

From "Parenting with Spirit" by Jane Bartlett.

So much parenting advice I read seems to come from a fear based reaction to our modern cultural climate, and by gum do I understand that fear! We see a world which glorifies greed and and selfishness and want desperately to protect our little ones from such a place. We see terrible atrocities on the television and read of a series of child abductions in the newspapers and think that we must do all we can to protect our babies. It is a natural reaction. We see a vain and shallow media, obsessed with celebrity and s*x, and a corrupt and morally bankrupt government incapable of offering any kind of legislation to better our society, so keen are they on cosying up to big business. We learn that by the time our children reach maturity, climate change will have begun to wreak it's havoc, they may know what it is like to starve. We see mothers abandoning their children in soulless day care systems...we see dads just abandoning their children. We don't like the world and think our children are worth so much more than what it has to offer. We're very, very scared.

And, if I may be so bold, we Christian parents are the biggest scaredy- cats around! We are so very scared of the modern cultural climate that we feel the need to lack "drop out" in a similar way to Timothy Leary (without the help of LSD, obviously). We don't want to engage with "the man", be part of this world, we don't like it, why the heck should we? However, although the Bible tells us to "be not conformed to the ways of the world" the New Testament is full of examples of Jesus and his disciples engaging, loving and helping people I wouldn't want to meet on a dark night. The psalms are full of joy and love, for both our Creator and His creation, and oh boy are those psalms full of hope!

So when I read stuff about "the rod as a means of grace" (I didn't know this was going on until I went online) and girls not going to university for their own protection I can see an awful lot of fear behind the reasoning for these parenting methods, and I empathize with these parents. However, we must not forget that behind the eyes of every knife-wielding gang member on a rough estate is a soul, and a soul just as precious to God as our own. Every hedonistic night club in the country is choc full of people our Creator loves, even our politicians are held precious by God!lol! There is a fine and subtle difference between seeing the world as evil and seeing the world as sinful, one has a greater possibility of redemption than the other. When we see sin in the world we can recognise ourselves because we too are sinful, we can act in empathy and in love, we can engage fully with those people of whom we may not necessarily approve, because we know that "there by the grace of God go I". When we see evil, our natural instinct is to run and be afraid. Not to engage fully with the great commission because we are far too busy protecting ourselves and our children from those very people we should be reaching out to.

Now, I am not suggesting we should let our children run free in a dangerous world whilst we parents go on missionary work! But that we simply recognise in this selfish and vain world there is a great capacity for goodness and beauty. I love this quote from St Francis of Assisi, a man who had quite a few wise words to say:

"Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words."

We need to think about the Gospel and truly employ it in the relationships we have with our families and the wider world. Saint Paul distilled the Gospel down to "faith, hope and love" and Our Saviour said "love thy God with all thy heart" and "love thy neighbour as thyself" and "there is no other commandment greater these, on these commandments hold all the laws and the prophets". So, when we preach the Gospel (either with or without words) we are preaching about love and hope and faith. We are bound to act on love and faith, not fear, distrust and distaste. We must be balanced in all things: protect our children but not control them, trust them and their relationship with God, and show them what it means to have a spiritual life. This is what we should be teaching our children; that there is real beauty in an inner city area because God's children live and work there, that friends and family can, and do, come from all walks of life, that peace and joy are found in the knowledge that they are loved by God for whom they are not what they do, as that love is strong and unconditional and unfathomable. Then, and only then, will they have the confidence to go out into the world as an instrument of God's peace, able to make sound moral decisions, able to converse sincerely with people they may disagree with or disapprove of, able to discuss what is good and what is right quite openly and with confidence.

Therefore, it all comes down to trust. We must trust in our Creator so that we do not control our children, trust in His plan and thank Him for our world. Show our spirituality through joy and thanks, and be frank about pain and sin, because amidst the all the hurt and suffering in the world there is a lot to be thankful for.

Here endeth the first lesson.

Peaceful Parenting

"Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me."
~ Matthew 25:40

I have always known I could never raise a hand to a child. So, when I became a parent it seemed only natural that when I disciplined my girls I would not do so physically. When I became a Christian I felt my natural instincts were supported by what my faith teaches about peace; simply put, we are to love God, love our neighbours and enjoy the "peace of the Lord that passeth all understanding". I wanted to become an instrument of love and peace to my own, very precious, children and it was unconscionable for me to inflict an act of violence upon those small, fragile beings. It was not until I spent a couple of months browsing Christian parenting websites until I realised that much of the advice given to young parents on raising their children was centered around smacking, in some cases those giving the advice stated that not smacking was a sin. I am not making any judgments here, I am not without sin and I am not criticising those who have chosen to raise their children in this way, however, I can honestly say to any young mother who may be reading this blog post, that there is a way to parent your children without resorting to smacking.

Although I have only been a parent for ten years both of my children have come through the toddler/pre-school ages and are biddable, happy girls whom respond well to instruction. We are able to take them pretty much anywhere and we can generally predict their behaviour. They are far from perfect children and I am far from the perfect mother but we muddle along quite nicely and I rarely feel harassed or embarrassed because of their behaviour (although I am often harassed and embarrassed in general!lol!) I wasn't going to write this post at all, it's one thing giving my fellow homemakers instruction on how to make an easy sourdough loaf, it is quite another giving instructions on how to parent. However, just recently my younger sister asked for advice on how to discipline her own toddler, and I remembered how tough the ages between one and four can be, both for child and parent. So with this in mind, if you read my advice and it resonates with you, makes sense to you, and you feel comfortable with it, then feel free to use it. If my advice does not ring true then discard it as, when it comes to parenting, your own instincts are your best tool.

Modelling Behaviour
If you want your children to behave in a certain way remember that they learn through observation. They pay particular attention to the parent of the same sex, so boys watch their dads and girls watch their mums. There have been a few times when the DH and I have been rude or silly with one and other, often for a joke, but the children have learnt from this. So if you want kind, generous loving children then you and your partner must be kind generous and loving. It is always best to keep arguments to the minimum and in private, many children think they cause arguments between parents. Someone once said that when you have children you have your own little paparazzi following you about, mentally noting your every flaw and indiscretion. Although we are all human, flawed and sinful, having little eyes watch our every move is further incentive to work on our character flaws and our relationships with friends and family.

Rhythm
Most people like a defined rhythm to their lives, especially the elderly, people who are ill and children. Having a definite rhythm to your day, week, month and year establishes a sense of security and predictability. And feeling secure helps develop a sturdy self-confidence. Daily rhythms are very important to small children who enjoy knowing when bedtime is, what happens when they wake up, morning snack time, afternoon outdoor play etc. Decide for yourself a daily rhythm for you and your children, one which best suits your family life. Weekly rhythms can include having a regular trip to a market, a weekly trip to the library and monthly and yearly rhythms could be established by celebrating the liturgical year (depending on your denomination) and observing the seasons. Please note I use the word rhythm because when children are small their rhythms change with their development, establishing a flexible rhythm is more beneficial than establishing an inflexible routine which can be a little regimented to cope with the regular physical and emotional changes a child goes through in the early years.

Sleep, Food and Exercise
A toddler still needs twelve hours sleep per night, less if they still have a nap. A comfortable, tidy and quiet place to sleep is very important for us all. I have no time for our present culture which seems to dictate that rest and sleep are for wimps! Rest and sleep are crucial aspects of good health, especially for little ones, as when they sleep they grow! Also, to promote proper rest young children need a remarkable amount of exercise, preferably in the fresh air. Long walks, running about the park even scooting about on their trike on the front drive will help them burn of excess energy and keeps fractious tempers at bay. Food needs to be healthy (proper fat is essential for a child's growth) and regular. When my children were toddlers they "grazed" throughout the day. They were not keen on eating a proper breakfast and lunch, but they had bananas and yoghurt, strawberries and carrots, bits of ham and pasta, slices of bread and so on every hour or so. Luckily, they were happy to sit down at tea time and have a plate full of food. In the day I just kept them topped up so we didn't have any hunger/tiredness related tantrums. My allowing my toddlers to graze brings me to my next heading!

Choose Your Battles, but Always Win Them
Any battle you have with a little one is one which you must win. "No", must mean "no" or children can become manipulative. I hope I'm not sounding harsh here, but if a child asks for sweeties and you say no. But they whine and whine and finally you give in you're only teaching the child that whining will get her what she wants. If whining continues into childhood and adulthood, then it's called manipulation. With this in mind, you don't want to battle with a child over every little detail of their lives, or you become a bit of a tyrant, controlling and scary, and this is the last thing any parent wants. So you have to find balance. My advice is to sit down with your partner and discuss the crucial "battles". The DH and I wanted our children to be kind and polite as soon as possible and to be able to come to us when we called. We also felt that obedience was crucial in matters of safety. We felt that sitting down at mealtimes, tidying up, what they wore, sitting still in church (lol), sleeping in their own beds and where and how they played were things we could teach later on. So, we let them graze for meals and let them leave the table, we let them choose their own clothes to wear if they wanted to, let them sleep in our bed and play in the living room, but we came down quickly and decisively on shouting, unkindness and not doing as mummy asks. Once, when my mother, my sister and I were at a restaurant my little one decided to flick her juice over everybody's lunch, including her own. I asked her not to flick her juice, but she continued, I told her not to flick her juice or I would take her home, but she continued...so I had to take her home. Both of us were fed up because we don't get to see my mum very much, but she no longer flicks her juice in other people's food! Oh, and yes, our children often look crazy because they choose their own clothes, but generally kind people come up to them in the street and say "did you put on your own clothes today? Aren't you clever."

Taking Time to Reprimand a Child
If a child has misbehaved you have to stop what you are doing and go to them. I am the world's worst at this. It is so easy to just shout from the kitchen into the playroom "just stop that please". But shouting from another room NEVER works in my experience. If you hear bad behaviour you must stop whatever you're doing, go into the same room as the child, kneel down, look them in the eye and say in low, moderate tones "please stop (name the behaviour) it is unkind/dangerous/upsetting your sister/brother". Always, use your ps and qs (remember you're modelling good behaviour all the time) and try not to raise your voice. If you want noisy, shouty kids just start shouting (I learnt this as a teacher!lol!) If the child continues to misbehave, go in and reprimand them in the same way but this time warn them that there will be consequences. We use the "naughty chair", but use of the "naughty chair" is down to you, you may prefer to take away a toy, or not let them watch their favourite TV programme. But, the "naughty chair" ties in with the idea of rhythm and predictability. Ironically, it is kinder to a child if they can predict their punishment/consequences of misbehaviour. Not knowing what kind of punishment you're going to get can be nerve wracking...better the indignity of the naughty chair, and any chair can be "naughty", so it is a very portable punishment. We give a minute on the chair for every year of the child's life. We started using it at around the age of two and for the first few times we had to sit on the naughty chair with them. We rarely use the naughty chair now, as although our children need to be reminded of good behaviour fairly frequently, they never push it to the second reminder, that is to say, they always stop when the naughty chair is threatened!

Mummy Time
Now, listen carefully. There has been a lot of talk on blogs about the "sinfulness" of "me-time". An argument put forward on how we wives and mummies are called to serve, and the concept of "me-time" develops a sense of entitlement and selfishness in the modern mummy. This modern mummy says codswallop to that! The idea that we can keep serving without a mental and physical break is likening parenthood to climbing Mount Everest, just one more sprint to the top girls, don't rest they're nearly out of nappies/feeding themselves/helping with the housework, just keep serving and you'll be all right. There is no top of the mountain in motherhood, and there is no end to Christian service, service and motherhood are life and in life there is a "time for every purpose under heaven". There is time for you to have a cuppa, read a magazine, a chapter of a book, watch a bit of telly, paint a picture, chat to a friend and paint your nails. If the kids are happy, quite absorbed in play, leave the ironing for half an hour an put the bloody kettle on! The chances are you haven't been to the loo for two or three years without a little person looking you over so you deserve to re-charge your batteries for a few minutes and let your brain and body have a well deserved rest.

Fun, Fun, Fun
Motherhood is the most exhausting fun you will ever have. So, keep a sense of humour when they tell the waitress in the local cafe that you pick your spots (it happened to me), remember to smile whenever you see them and if you ever feel you're going to have a mummy meltdown, put on a record and get funky. The kids will join in with your "expressive dancing" and you'll feel a lot better for the exercise. Yes, people have a boogy with your blessings and dance away your troubles!

If in doubt remember these wise words:

Proverbs 15:4 Gentle words bring life and health; Griping is discouraging.

Well, I hope this post has been an encouragement to any young mum reading. I'm about to embark on the adventure of parenting an adolescent and a teenager, thankfully I have a few years of pure childhood yet before my girls grow in to women, but the precious moments are flying by and I look back on their toddler hood, despite the lack of privacy and the exhaustion with a sense of wonder and privilege, and I know that you will too. Keep happy, fellow mummies!