Today's plan was a wonderful plan. Listen and I will tell you the story of today's most beautiful plan. I was to do my "daily round", clean my windows, wash my floors, make a shepherd's pie for tea and settle down in the afternoon to watch a Mickey Rooney/Judy Garland musical and sew the hair onto the doll I'm making for my friend's granddaughter. It is now 11:26 am and none of this is done. It looks as though I will not get to see the film, which is a shame because I hear that Mickey and Judy want to put on a show! "Why has your day gone completely to pot, Dulce Domum?" I hear you ask. Well ladies, it's because I have quite serious problems with my plumbing.
No, not "plumbing" in the Les Dawson woman's problems sense of the word, but plumbing as in the exploding toilet, urine soaked chip-board sense of the word. Let me elucidate. Part of the old "daily round" is to give the bathroom a tidy up. You know, wipe down the sink, clean out the plug, swish toilet cleaner around the toilet, pick up towels, but when I went in there I knew something was wrong. The laminate tiles on the floor were lifting up, there was a funny smell (well, funnier than usual, anyway). Never one to go half measures I ripped up the tiles and had a look at what lurked beneath. What lurked beneath was the aforementioned urine soaked chip-board. My toilet has been leaking and the waste has been soaking into my floorboards.
I ring for a plumber. Here is what I've learnt about plumbers, gentle reader.
- Plumbers rarely answer their telephones.
- Plumbers are not interested in my toilet, your toilet or anybody else's toilet. They are only interested in fitting new central heating systems.
- All plumbers are from Acocks Green. You may be ringing from Lancarshire, Lanarkshire or bloody Timbuktu but the guy on the end of the line will have a Brummy accent and suck through his teeth when you mention your toilet problems.
- I am going to re-train as a plumber. Then I will have the wherewithal to earn a million and rule the world. Knowledge is power, people. And knowledge of plumbing is the most arcane and useful power of all. Of course, after retraining I will have to move to Acocks Green, that enclave of all plumbers, but this is a small price to pay...or is it?
I'm off now, to stare at my kitchen ceiling and pray that the toilet waste lurking above does not seep down and drip into my kitchen sink. However, before I go let me leave you with this wonderful Les Dawson "Cissie and Ada" joke. Enjoy (and weep for me)!
CISSIE: Leonard took some lovely photos... He's got a big polaroid
ADA: Ooh they can be painful - does it affect his balance?