Wednesday, 21 January 2009

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men...and all that yackety-yack

Today's plan was a wonderful plan. Listen and I will tell you the story of today's most beautiful plan. I was to do my "daily round", clean my windows, wash my floors, make a shepherd's pie for tea and settle down in the afternoon to watch a Mickey Rooney/Judy Garland musical and sew the hair onto the doll I'm making for my friend's granddaughter. It is now 11:26 am and none of this is done. It looks as though I will not get to see the film, which is a shame because I hear that Mickey and Judy want to put on a show! "Why has your day gone completely to pot, Dulce Domum?" I hear you ask. Well ladies, it's because I have quite serious problems with my plumbing.
No, not "plumbing" in the Les Dawson woman's problems sense of the word, but plumbing as in the exploding toilet, urine soaked chip-board sense of the word. Let me elucidate. Part of the old "daily round" is to give the bathroom a tidy up. You know, wipe down the sink, clean out the plug, swish toilet cleaner around the toilet, pick up towels, but when I went in there I knew something was wrong. The laminate tiles on the floor were lifting up, there was a funny smell (well, funnier than usual, anyway). Never one to go half measures I ripped up the tiles and had a look at what lurked beneath. What lurked beneath was the aforementioned urine soaked chip-board. My toilet has been leaking and the waste has been soaking into my floorboards.
I ring for a plumber. Here is what I've learnt about plumbers, gentle reader.
  1. Plumbers rarely answer their telephones.
  2. Plumbers are not interested in my toilet, your toilet or anybody else's toilet. They are only interested in fitting new central heating systems.
  3. All plumbers are from Acocks Green. You may be ringing from Lancarshire, Lanarkshire or bloody Timbuktu but the guy on the end of the line will have a Brummy accent and suck through his teeth when you mention your toilet problems.
  4. I am going to re-train as a plumber. Then I will have the wherewithal to earn a million and rule the world. Knowledge is power, people. And knowledge of plumbing is the most arcane and useful power of all. Of course, after retraining I will have to move to Acocks Green, that enclave of all plumbers, but this is a small price to pay...or is it?
I'm off now, to stare at my kitchen ceiling and pray that the toilet waste lurking above does not seep down and drip into my kitchen sink. However, before I go let me leave you with this wonderful Les Dawson "Cissie and Ada" joke. Enjoy (and weep for me)!

CISSIE: Leonard took some lovely photos... He's got a big polaroid

ADA: Ooh they can be painful - does it affect his balance?


Tuesdays Child said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Ha, that was me...I was playing around with a new blog this morning. I wanted somewhere I could quietly journal my prayer journal and forgot I was logged in under that ID (I have secret dreams of writing a book...not so secret now).


Anyway, do your comments come through to your I need to write my comment again?

Hugs chuck.

Dulce Domum said...

Hi Sarah
No,my comments don't come through to email. I reckon we all want to write a book!

monix said...

My deepest sympathies with the plumber problem. I am into my third week of trying to find one. Did you say Acocks Green? I'm off to search for one there.

Left-Handed Housewife said...

I think you are right to become a plumber and rule the world. It doesn't take a whole lot of urine-soaked chipboard to drive a girl to seek the necessary skills. Oh, I laughed and laughed as I read this--I'm so glad you could make it funny for us, because I'm sure it's not be all that funny for you. My deepest sympathies.


Gumbo Lily said...

I admit, I had to *think* about the joke for just a moment, and then... a smile.

Oh, you poor dear. Nothing worse than plumbing problems and the old phrase: "An emergency on your end does not constitute an emergency on my end," rings true especially with plumbers. Can you imagine how many calls they get that are of the Emergency type?

Our hot water tank started leaking out of the rusted-out bottom last Sunday, but thankfully, I have men around the house that know enough plumbing to "stop the bleeding" and keep us running on the other tank until a new one can be got. Yes, I think all of us should have plumbing skills.

Sorry about the nice day you had planned out.


Seraphim said...

Oh Dulce domum, what a pity! A shame your not more in Gloucestershire direction, I'd send my brother around with his spanners and plungy contraptions.
Look on the bright side, as you said... at least the waste stayed up, rather than come down!
Have a nice cup of tea, it will make it all better. Suprising, but true.

Good luck,

Sera x

Angela said...

Oh I am so sorry - but laughing out loud at the joke.
Have you checked your insurance policies? - it MAY be covered.

I hope the repairs will all be carried out at your earliest convenience!

May you know showers of blessing - and I pray that your cup runneth over [but no other fixtures or fittings!!] love Ang xx

Anonymous said...

By eck lass, that sounds nasty! Urine soaked chipboard does not sound funny...hugs to you my friend. xx

Thanks for the cissy and aida joke...ah, they were priceless! :)

Dulce Domum said...

Hi Monix
Yes, they all live in Acocks Green in mansions with beautiful bathrooms!

Hi Frances
I think it will be quicker to go and retrain that to find a plumber willing to do the job. The chap who said he'd come and sort it never turned up. This is turning into a Beawulf type saga (well, not quite).

Hi Jody
If I had my way plumbing would be the 4th emergency service! Plumbing skills are a definite asset (sp?) in a man, the dh has many fine masculine qualities that would only be enhanced with a knowledge of plumbing (well, that's what I told him last night anyway!lol).

Hi Seraphim
Your brother's a plumber? I take it he's not part of the Acocks Green mafia. If he travelled up to do the job I would keep him endless supplies of tea and biscuits...although I don't suppose that's much of an incentive!lol!

Hi Angela
The good news is that the floor is covered. I've already chosen my new floor tiles! Hurrah! There is a silver lining to every dark cloud after all. Thank you for all your comiserations.

Hi Tina
I'm glad you like the joke. It would really top my week off to find that I had a great big poleroid. We can't go into the bathroom at the moment, the stench is foul. I hope I didn't put you off your morning tea!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I am so very sorry! You have the plumber thing spot-on! Gosh, do you think that's where they all live, really? Is that why when I call from here it takes so LONG for them to arrive?! Ha, ha...

DO train as a plumber. They all drive expensive cars when not in their trucks. There's something to that....

Dulce Domum said...

Hi Miss V
Yes, that's why they take so long to get to you and why their bills are so expensive, they all live over here!

If I do retrain as a lady plumber, I shall be like a plumbing philanthropist...or large it up and buy a Range Rover, a fur coat and a walk-in humidor (sp?). I kid, I kid...